Underworld: Blood Wars | Film Review

Can you believe it’s been almost fourteen years since Kate Beckinsale first painted on, arguably, the greatest heroine ass-kicking duds ever in the first “Underworld”?  Yeah, I know, right?  Aging’s a bitch.  And guess what?  After watching this, you’ll wish they had waited another fourteen years.

Let’s get where I stand on the “Underworld” series as a whole out of the way, since I don’t want people to think I’m some elitist arse who thinks these kinds of movies are beneath him.  Quite the contrary, actually.  I’m a huge action and horror fan, I think (non-sparkly) vampires are cool, and werewolves are my favorite supernatural beasties.  Since these films contain all of those elements, you’d be right in assuming that – up till now – I’ve been pretty fond of this series.

The first “Underworld” is still the best and introduced us to Selene (Kate Beckinsale), a vampire death dealer who fights to protect her pointy-teethed brethren from their werewolf enemies, the Lycans.  Over the course of the film – amidst all the fang gnashing and fur flying – she falls in love with a vampire/werewolf hybrid named Michael Corvin (Scott Speedman), uncovers hidden secrets, and kicks a whole lot of mad ass in the midst of a monster-mashup that’s been going on for centuries and shows no signs of winding up soon.  These plot points carry on and get stretched out over the course of “Underworld: Evolution”, “Underworld: Rise of the Lycans”, and “Underworld: Awakenings”.   All in all, I quite enjoyed the first four.  They certainly weren’t of equal quality, but I wouldn’t call any of them disappointing.  They were good fun.

Which brings us to the latest chapter, “Underworld: Blood Wars”.  Jumping off from the events in “Awakenings”, we find Selene wandering the world alone as the Lycans and vampires continue their never-ending war.  Her daughter, Eve, is no longer around and Selene – for her child’s protection – has no idea where she is.  Michael isn’t around (again) either, and appears to be just as lost to her.  The only two allies she seems to have are the father/son vampires Thomas (Charles Dance) and David (Theo James).  Thomas wasn’t her biggest fan in the last movie, but he has come around to her side since she saved David’s life at the end of “Awakenings”.  With the Lycans hot on her trail in the search for Eve and her hybrid blood, and a coven of vampires promising to absolve her of her past transgressions in exchange for her help in training a new vampire army, it isn’t long before Selene is back doing what she does best, all the while looking great doing it.  Throw in some twists and a lost coven of hippie vampires living in some frozen mountains, and we should have all the makings for a half decent action/fantasy flick.  Right?  Sigh.

Should.  That’s the key word here.

This movie is a mess in every way possible.  I don’t think there’s any part of this film that doesn’t suffer to some degree.  I don’t want to prolong the agony of having to spend any more time on it than I have to, so I’ll keep it short and simple.

The story is all over the place and is just a lazy rehash of what we’ve already seen in the previous four films.  The characters are handled clumsily, and long awaited answers (e.g., What happened to Michael? Where’s Eve spending her days?) are handled so carelessly, it’s maddening.  Even when it looks like story points and character arcs that have spanned the whole series might at last be finally tied up, the filmmakers cave and leave the ending wide open for a sequel.  I don’t know why they bothered.  If by some miracle a sequel to this is greenlit, I don’t think many will be heading back to the theaters looking for the answers.

The directing is simply not good.  Say what you will about the previous movies, you have to admit that the action scenes were usually well-staged and the sights were pretty.  Here, there’s nothing.  This is director Anna Foerster’s first shot at a feature.  Her previous credits include directing episodes of “Criminal Minds” and “Outlander” among others.  I’m sure she’s a wonderful person, but I’d advise her to stick to TV.  “Underworld: Blood Wars” looked like an overlong episode of a schlocky and cheap supernatural show.  The shots were always tight, adding to that TV feel, and any attempt at actually pulling the camera back and allowing the film to breathe and be given a more epic air was jarring and felt hastily tacked on.  Actors were running about willy-nilly, seeming to need a good wrangler as much as a good director, and the action was just dull and uninvolving.

Kate Beckinsale was definitely here in body, but I think her spirit was back in her trailer.  If ever there was an actress who looked like she was just hanging around and waiting for a paycheque, it’s her in this.  Sad.  Theo James does his best, but is not given a whole lot to work with.  At least he seemed to be trying.  Tobias Menzies had some promising moments as the Lycan leader Marius, but was ultimately let down by the weak script and clichéd characterization.  The only two performers who actually managed to rise above the material and get away unscathed were Charles Dance and Lara Pulver.  Let’s be honest here, Charles Dance can stand in the aisle at Wal-mart and read from the back of a shampoo bottle and make it riveting.  That’s talent, and it must have taken all of his to keep a straight face through most of his screen time.  Lara Pulver, who is probably best known for her appearance as Irene Adler in “Sherlock”, was the most fun in the movie and was able to make me perk up whenever she appeared as the conniving vampire Semira.  Good job, Lara.  If ever there was someone who deserved a shout-out, it’s you.

Overall, this movie just looked cheap.  I have a feeling the budget for this was cut way down compared to the others.  A lot of the background sets looked like cardboard cut-outs that would topple at any moment, and the choices for locations were often bland and uninspiring.  There was no sense of any imagination at all.  Even the hippie vampires’ digs looked cheap and hastily thrown together.  They should have been able to make a lot of this look at least somewhat interesting.  And the special effects for the werewolves still look dodgy, although they don’t appear as much.  The Lycans seemed to spend most of their time, even when fighting, in human form.  Again, I feel this could be a result of budget restrictions.

Take my advice, folks, and avoid this one at all costs.  I can’t believe – with popcorn and coke thrown in – that I dropped almost twenty bucks on this.  If you are a completist, and feel the need to see this series through to the end, please wait until it’s available as a cheap rental and watch it in the comfort of your own home with much cheaper popcorn and coke.

And add a few shots of your favorite alcoholic beverage to that coke.  Trust me, you’ll need it.