The VelociPastor | Film Review

In the halls of cinematic achievements, there are numerous doors leading you to those films which set a benchmark for artistic integrity. But if you keep walking, just a little bit further, past the Scorsese and Spielberg sections, you will stumble across a genre with a door almost exclusively to itself: the good bad movie. These are those gems that often go unmentioned during Oscar season or Summer box office recaps. But when you have a few friends over on a Saturday night and you need a film that knows just how bonkers its premise actually is, these are the titles you lunge for. This is also where you will find The VelociPastor.

The VelociPastor is a ludicrously fun horror-comedy about a priest that comes to find out, after a spiritual trip to China goes awry, he can transform into a dinosaur, invoking an ancient mutation. Initially mortified by his discovery of supernatural powers, the priest – Doug Jones (Greg Cohan) – rediscovers himself and accepts his mission in life, while also finding solace and pairing up with hooker/doctor/lawyer, Carol (Alyssa Kempinski). Yes, you read all of that correctly.

Starting out with a driving sequence almost mimicking Taxi Driver, and paired with a very ’80s punk soundtrack, VelociPastor immediately engages its audience with its winking insanity. There are so many elements of this flick that just genuinely do not make sense or fall within the parameters of a “good” movie, but it’s very apparent that writer/director Brendan Steere is not going for an artsy, put-together film. Instead, he’s doing what The Room should have done, which is make a movie that is wild and obscure, but knows this going in, utilizing this notion to encourage the audience to laugh with them. 

There is one point where a visual effect is intended to be displayed, and for humor’s sake, they insert “VFX of a car on fire” instead of the visual; the car isn’t even there! Or maybe it’s not for humor and simply because their total budget was an alarmingly low $35,000 – who knows, but whatever the case, it works. Quite honestly, the deliberate nature of Steere’s humor, of things he KNOWS people are going to laugh at for being so low-scale, is what makes this such an enjoyable flick to catch with friends.

Other things like, how does our main character know he’s within China’s borders simply by walking into the woods? Or why are the ninjas going back and forth between Chinese and English, but two seconds ago they couldn’t understand English? Why are these military guys in a flashback wearing jeans and khakis? Why are there an exorbitant amount of subplots? Why the romance side-story with Christmas lights overlaying the sex scenes? Why is there an entire sequence that looks like a commercial advertisement for white families? Nobody knows or has answers to these questions, but honestly I don’t care. This is all about getting in a mildly decent enough story to pair with the outlandish antics that’ll leave you in tears.

As absurd as this movie is for 98% of the time, I need to give credit where credit’s due. Our leads, Kempinski and Cohan, have a pretty natural chemistry, and every time Kempinski gets on screen, she steals it. She is one of the very few elements that makes The VelociPastor feel grounded and immediately diverts my attention to her each time she graces the screen. 

Despite the title, it feels like a necessary evil to forewarn you this is not that much of a “scary” movie, nor is it very dark, which was my deepest disappointment. The VelociPastor would have deeply benefited from exhibiting a much darker dino at play rather than using it for hysterics. There are a few moments that make you go ‘whoa!’, but overall the blood looks like someone smashed a can of V8 and the props seem as though they were borrowed from my nephew’s fifth grade play. And that’s really okay. Grab your group of friends and fellow ninjas, a bucket of popcorn, a lot of alcohol, and enjoy the hilarity The VelociPastor is about to bring to you.