The Meg (2018) | Film Review

[Cue John Williams’ iconic theme. You know the one.]

Just when you thought they couldn’t possibly put an original spin on a shark movie.

Dumb….Dumb, Dumb….Dumb

They haven’t. They’ve just put more money and bigger names into one.

Dumb….Dumb, Dumb….Dumb

Now, after a seemingly endless stream of low budget fare and crappy Syfy CGI-fests, one of nature’s most fearsome predators ever is back to wreak havoc.

Dumb…Dumb, Dumb….Dumb, Dumb….Dumb, Dumb….Dumb

And it’s up to an ethnically diverse group of truly stupid people – though they are movie smart, there is a difference – to hunt it down and save the world from………a random shark attack. Granted, it’s a big shark, but it’s not like this thing has wings or can walk on land.  It’s a bigger-than-normal flippin’ shark.  Slap some dentures in the mouth of a blue whale, and you basically have the same thing.

Dumb….Dumb, Dumb….Dumb, Dumb….Dumb, Dumb….Dumb, Dumb….Dumb, Dumb….Dumb

Behold, “The Meg” (short for Megalodon, but let’s just keep it short and easier for everyone to pronounce)

Duuuuuuummmmmbbbb….Duuuuuuuummmmbbbb

[Cut the music, John]

Fresh from his mano-a-mano showdown with one of the largest mammals to ever walk the land – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – Jason Statham now heads to the open waters to lay an epic smackdown on one of the biggest beasties to ever swim the seas: the mighty Megalodon, better known by its more common name, “big ass f**kin’ shark”. Based on the bestselling series of books by Steve Alten, “The Meg” finds our reluctant (aren’t they always) hero Jonas Taylor (Statham) living the solitary life of a haunted, best-at-what-he-does, single, ex-diver on the beaches of Thailand.

When a deep-sea submersible mission to the newly discovered deepest depths of the ocean ends up with the crew stranded where no sane person should have ventured in the first place, Taylor’s old friend Mac (Cliff Curtis) hunts him down and tries to convince him that he’s the only one who can pull off a risky rescue mission. Of course, he’s the only one. He’s Jason “friggin’” Statham.

The only problem is – as I mentioned before – our hero is haunted.  Very haunted.  The last place he wants to be is anywhere that requires a wetsuit and is not within easy reach of a beach cabana stocked with cheap, local, ice-cold beer.  However, before Taylor can give his final, definitive “No, absolutely not” to the request, good ol’ Mac reveals his trump card. Guess who just so happens to be the pilot of that stranded submersible?  Yep, Taylor’s gorgeous ex – “I left him because he was so haunted” – wife Lori (Jessica McNamee).

There’s always an ex-wife.

So, as we all knew had no chance of not happening, Taylor heads off to the high-tech, mid-ocean research facility – which basically looks like an oil rig above the waves and a “Star Trek” star base beneath – where the doomed mission was launched from. But before we can get to the good stuff, we have to get to know the rest of the players in this motley little troupe.  Let’s make it short and quick, shall we?

Eccentric billionaire (Rainn Wilson) who can’t stop joking around and has questionable morals? Check.  Edgy tech-geek girl (Ruby Rose) who we hope dies really quick? Check.  Funny tech-geek guys (Olafur Darri Olafsson & Masi Oka) who we hope don’t die as quick? Check. Charming tech guy (Page Kennedy) who chose an ocean related occupation and can’t swim a stroke but should deliver lots of laughs?  Check.  Ex-wife in peril?  Already mentioned her.  Double check.  Guy (Robert Taylor) who used to be protagonist’s good friend but now hates his guts? Check. Cute kid (Shuya Sophia Cai) who will make everyone go “Ahhhhhh” and enable the protagonist to show his softer side? Check.  Cute kid’s grandfather (Winston Chao) who has an important position at the research facility, but I can’t remember what it was and I’m too lazy to look it up?  Check.  Attractive Chinese scientist/submersible pilot/bad-ass mother of cute kid/45-year-old who looks barely out of her 20s/potential love interest if things don’t work out with the ex (Li Bingbing) who will hopefully help make “The Meg” a huge hit in one of the largest foreign film markets in the world?  Check.

Phew. Glad to get that out of the way.  Now, before I go any further, I know I threw the word “dumb” around a lot at the beginning of this review, and it may look like I’m about to trash this flick to no end, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Don’t get me wrong, this is a really dumb movie, but it’s the best kind of dumb you can hope to find in theatres these days.  That’s the great thing about being “dumb” – it’s not necessarily a bad thing.  In fact, sometimes it can be really great and wholly necessary.  And that’s exactly what “The Meg” is and gives us.

A big, dumb, over-the-top, totally ridiculous, glorious time at the cinemas.

Ooops. I almost forgot to finish the story description from before.   Basically, Taylor dives down to retrieve the ex-missus, the mission results in a hole being torn in the protective layer of Jell-O that usually prevents The Meg from visiting topside, it gets out, and we basically have “I’m Back: A Megalodon’s Tale” for the next 90 minutes that sees our titular antagonist treat the ocean around the research facility and a nearby coastal beach resort like the buffet table at Panda Express.  There, done.

Please, please don’t go into this movie and be offended by how ludicrous it all is. If dumb movies piss you off, and you’re looking for more serious fare, stay home and re-watch “Jaws”.  That’s a great and serious shark movie.  And if you haven’t seen “Jaws”, go see “The Meg” next weekend.  You need to watch “Jaws” right now.  Trust me.  Get on it!  Really, though, who hasn’t seen “Jaws” by this point?  Even the 8-year-old sitting next to me in the theatre – who insisted on taking his shoes off and pissing me off with his stinky feet – mentioned seeing it to his mother.

Ah, I digress.  Sorry.

So, what’s so great about “The Meg” exactly, you may be wondering. Well, let’s start with Jason “friggin’” Statham.  Yeah, that’s right.  From now on, he’s got a new middle name as far as I’m concerned.  If there’s anyone on this planet who can headline a movie whose script is most at home on the boardroom table of The Asylum production offices – and turn it into cinematic gold – it’s him.  Statham has that rare talent of classing up even the cheesiest of flicks.  He has the look, the skills, and the personality that just get right in your face and say, “Yeah, I know all of this is silly, but I’m going glare at it, flex at it, show it my glorious abs, beat the s**t out of it, get the girl (which one?), bond with the kid, kill the hell out of whatever needs killing, and charm the damn pants right off you in the process.  And if you don’t like it, I’ll come after you next.”  Whoa, easy there big friggin’ fella.  You got me, just like I’m sure you’re going to get many more who watch this.  Yes folks, Jason “friggin’” Staham is the man in this.  He does not disappoint.  And he may very well have just created a new martial art with this role.  Brace yourselves, my friends, for the debut of Shark-fu.  It’s pretty wonderful.

Next up in the greatness category is The Meg itself. Absolutely stellar work from the special effects teams.  At no time at all was I ever distracted by dodgy CGI.  I believed this thing was real.  The Meg is a lean, mean, chomping machine, and there are lots of great set-pieces where it gets to show off its massive form, massive jaws, and massive monsterishness.  Yeah, I know that last one isn’t a word.  But this my review, and if you don’t like it, I’d like to introduce you to my friend over here, Jason “friggin’” Statham.  Show ‘em your abs, Jason!

There are lots of cool toys in this too, especially the various submersibles. And you know what you get when you have cool submersibles?  Yep, that’s right.  Really cool underwater chase sequences.  I particularly loved those scenes.  They were great fun and a thrill to watch.  Not that Jason “friggin’” Statham really needed them.  As you’ll see, he does quite well without them too.  Watch out, Jason Mamoa.  There’s another Aquaman in town, and his underwater moves are just as cool as yours.

Director Jon Turtletaub found just the right tone to pull this off and maneuvers his cameras and talent with a pretty skilled and steady hand. Like I said before, while dumb can be really good, it can still turn into a disaster if not handled correctly.  Turtletaub stayed the course here and delivers a fun, thrilling, and enjoyably scary creature feature that had me smiling, laughing, jumping, and covering my eyes in all the right places.  And he never took things too seriously.  He knew what he was doing.  Just one complaint, Jon.  Get the hell off your ass and give me “National Treasure 3” ASAP!  It’s been way too long.

The rest of the cast do their thing and do a good job of it for the most part. Well, there is one glaring exception, but I’m still on the good stuff here, so I’ll get to her in a moment.  While I wouldn’t call any of the performances particularly memorable – except for Jason “friggin’” Statham, of course – I reckon the standouts for me would be Rainn Wilson as the goofy billionaire, Shuya Sophia Cai as the cute kid, and Li Bingbing as the almost fifty-year-old woman who obviously sold her soul to the Devil in exchange for eternal youth.  Seriously, what is she eating.  I need this diet.

All joking aside, I do want to say one thing about Bingbing.  God, it’s hard to say something serious about someone named Bingbing.  Even though I enjoyed her in this and liked her character, I can understand why some people may criticize her performance.  English is not her first language, and when she’s using it, it does tend to make her acting look stilted.  She is a really talented actress though, and you can really see it when she switches to speaking Chinese.  And, come on, let’s cut her some slack.  The poor woman has spent almost 46 years with the name Bingbing.  She deserves a break.  Oh, and actually, if Bingbing is reading this, I’d like to say one more thing.  905-555-7272.  That’s my number.  Call me.  Heart-shaped hands.

And now, on to the bad. Oh my, oh my, oh my…Ruby Rose, Ruby Rose, Ruby Rose.  Let me just preface what I’m about to say with I think you’re beautiful, intelligent, a fun person, and have a life to be envied.  That said, every time you opened your mouth in this, I wanted to grab that kid’s stinky feet, hold them under my nose, and inhale the stench until my head exploded.  Now I understand why they made your character in “John Wick 2” a mute.  And what the hell was up with that crying scene?  It was awful.  The Meg emoted a hundred times better than you did, and it only had two facial features: mouth open and mouth closed.  Sigh.  I’m sorry.  Of, course, I wish you all the best and better performances in the future.  And always remember, it could be a lot worse.  Your parents could have named you Bingbing.

Now that my chances of ever being followed on Twitter by Ruby Rose are totally dashed, let’s move on to my biggest complaint. It’s no big secret that before the film’s release the studio decided to cut the gorier bits from the movie.  Yeah, no s**t!  It was painfully obvious with each munching that the camera either (a) cut away before the real carnage could unfold or (b) the gore was removed after it was filmed out of fear at receiving an R-rating and losing potential ticket buyers.  Bad move, guys.  I think you may have actually hurt your box-office by not truly embracing your source material and going whole bloody hog on the grisly stuff.  Trust in your audience.  With a giant shark movie, they want to see copious amounts of the red stuff.  If you spill it, they will come.  Trust me.  “Logan” knew that, “Deadpool” knew that; why the hell didn’t you know that?

Again, don’t get me wrong.  I really enjoyed this movie, but it could have been so much, much, much better if you had let The Meg really show us how much horrifying damage it was capable of.  Always go full ridiculous.  I’m telling you now, there’d better be an un-rated version of this when it comes to blu-ray.  If not, you’ll know what’ll happen.  Yep.  Jason, show them your abs.

Well, I think that’s about it. Lack of gore aside, I still highly recommend “The Meg” if you’re looking for a fun night out at the theatre that won’t put too much strain on your cognitive abitlites.  It has a charismatic, kick-ass lead who is loads of fun to watch as he battles a shark the size of a plane both below and above the surface, fun jump scares, great special effects, big scale destruction, jokes that land more often than not, eye-candy for all genders, high-speed submersible chases, Statham flexes, tourist munching (could have used a tad more of that, to be honest), and a whole lot more.  “The Meg” is definitely a catch worth reeling in.

And, yes, we do find out what happens to the dog.

The Meg is now playing in theaters worldwide
Starring Jason Statham, Cliff Curtis, Bingbing Li
Screenplay by Dean Georgaris, Jon Hoeber, and Erich Hoeber
Directed by Jon Turtletaub