The 5 Worst Movie Trends of 2013

People always ask: How much fun is it to write about things you love? To which I reply; not as much as writing about the things you don’t.

You see, it is not too hard to mention the things you like about a movie, but in this day and age of EVERYONE complaining about EVERY little nuance, it is hard to be positive about a film you enjoy without wondering which portion some hipster is going to jump all over.  Things you DON’T like about a film, now that’s just fun.

If you read my previous article, you already know what I did like. What trends made me giddy as the film geek I am. But what about those trends I’m seeing that I don’t like? Or even more so – I LOATHE? Well, Here. We. Go:

5. Superhero movies are better with superheroes in them

I was hoping this was a fluke. When The Dark Knight Rises hit theaters last year, my chief complaint was that it was a Batman movie…without much Batman. Seriously, the whole movie should have been called Bruce Wayne: Rehabilitated. It was much more functional as some kind of Oscar grab for a physically handicapped biopic than a full-on superhero pic. But hey, Nolan is special and us film geeks seem to give him a free pass, so this has to be a fluke.

With Iron Man 3, it is officially a trend. Yes, I am 100% aware that Downey, Jr. is infinitely more interesting to watch then Solemn Bale. That does very little to make me less frustrated nor calm my nerves at what I am witnessing. I came to see Iron Man 3, with punchy dialogue and wiz-bang special effects. I did not come to watch Tony Stark wander the Midwest, playing surrogate father to a random adolescent while trying to gather his mojo back.

Whomever thinks this is the right direction needs to stop steering the ship. I want no part of this nonsense. I get it, people love Downey, Jr. Guess what I love? Iron Man. I hear some people even go to Iron Man movies hoping to see, you know, Iron Man.

It’s a sad world when I saw more Iron Man in The Avengers than I did in a movie that was solely devoted to him. Hell, I think I saw more Pepper Pots: Fire Starter than I did actual Iron Man. Sigh.

4. Stop trying to make Jaden Smith happen

Will Smith has been an icon for over a decade. With films like Men in Black, I Am Legend and Hancock under his belt, he is also a geek icon of sorts. The man has talent, timing, and charisma for days. Unfortunately, he also has a son.

Unlike God himself, Jaden is not created in the form of his old man. He is an empty vessel of an actor, constantly being forced down our collective throats. Up till this year though, we’ve been able to avoid him like the plague he most certainly is.  For 2013, he not made another play at movie stardom, he even took a shot at sci-fi under the direction of genius-turned-hack auteur M. Night Shyamalan…and he still managed to be the worst thing about the movie. Seriously, you’re being directed by the big-budget Uwe Boll and you STILL can’t pull it together??

Will. I love you, man. Sincerely. I think you are probably one of the most talented actors of your generation, to hell with the haters. But you need to give up your son to  a movie adoption, the kid just doesn’t have it. Jaden Smith’s performances could cause Santa to contemplate suicide, that’s how awful this kid is. Maybe he has a career in rap or working in one of those cellphone huts at the mall. But acting is just not for your boy.  

Stop trying to make him happen, Will. Please. For the future of all mankind, send your abomination to SyFy where he belongs.

3. How do you f*#@ that up??

Kick-Ass 2 should have been genius. I get that Matthew Vaughan departed, but did the talent run out the door with him? How about Red 2? Or R.I.P.D.? How does Hollywood pick up these properties, with already existing and truly complex source materials…and completely screw them up?!

Who thought it would be fun to watch Hit-Girl have her own little Mean Girls mini-flick, and leave out almost ALL of the social commentary? What producer met with Jeff Bridges and said ‘Sure, Jeff…this would be a GREAT film to revisit Rooster Cogburn!’? Why the hell couldn’t Red 2 director Dean Parisot WAKE UP Bruce Willis?!

Sure, Hollywood churns out crappy sequels and adaptations every year…but all 3 of these had the potential to be GREAT! With a little talent and a lot of heart, these films could have been so much more than the dreck to middling films they ended up as.

Try better next time, Hollywood. Ya bunch of dancing monkeys.

2. Stop destroying EVERYTHING

Ok, I get that destruction looks great in an action scene. I understand people pay for the production value. But damn, do you really NEED to have Superman destroying miles and miles of property values, as well as most likely ending countless lives in the process with all of this random destruction? This isn’t my Superman. Yea, I said it.

My Supes would be like ‘Hey, Zod, let’s do this upstairs. You cool with a little zippin around the moon action?’ Instead we got ‘Hey, Zod, that skyscraper would look much sexier if we blew it the hell up. Dibs? PS – I want that tie around your neck. Gimme’

All this wanton destruction was not limited to red tights, it was EVERYWHERE this year. Giant robots in Pacific Rim were using bridges as baseball bats. The Starship Enterprise forgot to install a generator and crashed through a major metropolis (see what I did there?).  The little kid in Ender’s Game was eye-balling entire civilizations. They even got the lunk-heads from Fast 6 involved, and utilized a military tank to run over hapless civilians.

What the hell, Hollywood?! It’s one thing to setup evil villains committing heinous acts, but these are our HEROES! The guys we are supposed to be rooting for. The ones we want our kids to aspire to be one day. Well I don’t want little Billy to grow and blow people up by the thousands. Nor do I want him thinking it is wiser to fight openly in the city when we all know a deserted cornfield is where Fight Club needs to happen. Color me cynical, but this all just seems like a poor lesson plan for little Billy.

Next year, I better see my heroes doing something heroic. Make them flawed if you wish, but not so flawed that they should be serving 75 years wearing prison orange. What’s next? Batman breaks his one rule? I hear that’s on the table these days as well. And I’d rather sit through Bat-Nipples than that tragedy.

1.  Hipsters

Oh, you thought it would be another silly trend in actual films? Well, it is…just on the other side of the lens and is the absolute worst trend affecting film-goers worldwide. This was the year that the movie-haters took the lead.

Never, in alllllll my years reviewing movies, have I seen a year where so few took so many shots at films with pointless arguments, bullying and just plain venom. Determined to suck any enjoyment you might have found on your trip to the Cineplex.

You know the assholes I’m talking about, right? Hell, you might be one of them. One of those guys who has to, HAS TO, find the flaw in Every. Single. Film. The guy who has to tell you about the scientific improbabilities. The guy who has to show you how this logic doesn’t line up with that result. The guy who just KNOWS that Vin Diesel could never make that lunge across the bridge like that. The guy that hates Into Darkness simply because it borrows from Wrath of Khan, yet they have no problem bowing at the feet of Tarantino with every contortion of their meager bodies. You know, that guy.

You liked Pacific Rim? Oh, the architecture of those robots would never work in a realistic environment. Because I thought this was the really real world…dumbass.

Oh, did you know a renowned physicist said the events in Gravity could never take place, therefore it changes how/if you should enjoy the film? Um, I didn’t know it was a documentary, what with all of the fictional stuff going on…dumbass.

The Wolverine / Man of Steel / Iron Man 3 / Insert Comic Book Title Here was a complete piece of shit because it did not follow the verbatim storyline captured in Issue 132Don’tGive2Shits of the initial run. Yea, because that affected my enjoyment of THIS movie even a hair, you pompous little…dumbass.

Look, it’s cool that you have mountains of free time to hide behind your keyboard and attempt to rip apart others enjoyment of…well…anything, while you sit there quietly wallowing in your own emptiness. Some of us actually choose to enjoy going to the theater and engaging in this ageless endeavor. Some of us actually have fun doing it too. So do us all a HUGE favor and shut your arrogant pie hole. If you cannot put some things to the side and enjoy a film for how it is being told on that respective medium? Then stop going, stay off Facebook & Twitter, and get back to fact-checking Wikipedia entries on Bigfoot.

Dumbass.

Well there it is, the 5 Worst Trends in Film for 2013. What about you? What trends did you see that turned you whiter than Winston at the sight of Stay Puft? Sound off, we’d love to hear them!

 

Aaron Peterson
The Hollywood Outsider
Aaron@thehollywoodoutsider.com