Ted 2 (2015) | Movie Review

Please make this magic stop.

In 2012, writer-director Seth MacFarlane took a wild swing for the fences and struck gold with his insanely popular tale about a boy who wished his teddy bear to life, only to grow up with the most foul-mouthed toy ever to hit the silver screen. In the obligatory sequel, Ted (again voiced by MacFarlane himself) desperately wants a baby with his bride, Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth), even if it means adoption. Problem is, he’s a teddy bear with no genitalia nor civil rights that afford him that ability. Ted is not a person, he is property in the eyes of the state.

After several outlandish attempts with negative results, Ted and his thunder buddy for life, the recently divorced John (Mark Wahlberg), decide to grab the best pro-bono lawyer they can find (Amanda Seyfried) and take the issue to court. Donnie (Giovanni Ribisi) also returns, this time convincing a Hasbro exec that if Ted is property, Hasbro can legally cut him open and replicate his magic for millions of kids. Under all of this absurdity, MacFarlane seems legitimately interested in unfurling a tale with substance this time around. Unfortunately, what he gives us is more along the lines of substance abuse.

Along the way we are treated to innumerous celebrity cameos (yes, Flash Gordon’s Sam Jones returns), most of them gleefully playing up their chance to act ridiculous or obscene. We also contend with more pot references than a Cheech & Chong revival, enough F-bombs to keep Eddie Murphy delirious, and more raunchy and tasteless humor for a new “American Pie” trilogy. The problem is – as a complete narrative – “Ted 2” just does not work. At all.

I am a fan of MacFarlane, I genuinely believe him to be one of the sharpest talents and minds in Hollywood. “A Million Ways To Die In The West” was the strongest comedy last year, regardless of what other critics tried to make me believe. But this movie does not feel like a film at all. It feels like MacFarlane grabbed a giant whiteboard, wrote down every idea for a joke he has ever had, filmed it, and then said ‘Screw it, let’s use ‘em all!’ – This is an assembly line of bits and jabs, not jokes or structure.

That might work if more of the humor landed, yet as I sat there knowing exactly how the film was going to play out (oh, you will to), there were literally dozens of strike-outs throughout. Even most of the celebrity gags – MacFarlane’s specialty on “Family Guy” – rarely land, wasting some truly talented actors willing to play off of their own personas. So much of the ridiculing in “Ted 2” seems to revolve around ‘How profane or far can we go?’, completely ignoring the question of ‘Should we?’.

A bad review is always the hardest type of criticism to write, simply for the fact that no filmmaker sets out to make a bad movie, but make no mistake – “Ted 2” is a bad MOVIE. That is not to say that there are no hysterical moments, there are. I laughed loud more than a few times, sometimes at the very same audacity I was just complaining about, it just was not often enough to enable a recommendation. The failure of “Ted 2” to connect is no fault of the actors, every single performer here does a commendable job with the material they are given. Wahlberg and even MacFarlane give it their all, and Seyfried is a triple upgrade from the sorely miscast Mila Kunis in the first film. The faults here lie solely with the poorly structured script, the obscenely numerous jumps at cheap humor, and the excessively long running time. Seriously, does MacFarlane think he’s dropping a ring into Mordor with this movie? It. Never. Ends.

All that to summarize and say that, yes, there are jokes to be had here. You will laugh on occasion. It just is not worth it in the long run. “Ted 2” might be the most awful movie with some of the funniest bits I have seen in the last several years. Please make this magic stop.

Aaron Peterson
The Hollywood Outsider