No, Captain America Does Not Need A Boyfriend

So now, thanks to #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend, the internet wants Marvel’s Captain America to have a male love interest. Why do they want it? That’s a question you’re not allowed to ask the PC Police, lest you get locked down with their limited-edition Chewbacca-cuffs and thrown into internet prison for crimes against humanity. Apparently, you are strictly allowed to ask ‘Why not?’ Anything else and you, dear reader, become Internet Branded – the term I use to describe hateful trolls hiding behind a keyboard, ironically fingering dissenters as bigots, misogynistic, racist, etc. – as you obviously despise homosexuals for asking such a lecherous question. The more times one is Internet Branded, the less likely they are to rise up and question these changes again, eventually to the point of being invisibly beaten into submission.

This is our new, modern age of internet geekdom. A world where every character of entertainment now has a cause for change stamped on his or her back, and the geeks have become the bullies they once feared in computer locker rooms around-the-globe. So for this piece, I am going to chance the wrath of this vocally vicious minority and plainly ask the question that I feel desperately needs to be answered above all else: WHY?

WHY should Captain America have a boyfriend? Or any firmly established hetero hero for that matter? Spider-Man, Superman, Batman – They all have decades of history establishing themselves as ladies men, so WHY change that now? Because of Political Correctness and the unstoppable train it has become? Because doing so would show the world acceptance, even though it would be an about-face to the respective character’s vast legions of fans? Because if you want to remain purists to the source material it somehow makes you a despicable human being? That’s your answer? That’s the best you’ve got?!

It doesn’t only apply to superheroes, every major film and television character seems to be getting the internet makeover treatment these days. With Daniel Craig apparently rejecting the notion of being filthy rich and kicking his James Bond to the curb, the internet began to cry ‘Why not make Gillian Anderson or another quality actress James Bond?!’ If you dared to respond, ‘Because the character is actually a dude and was written that way’, welcome to being branded a misogynist who thinks a woman’s sole role begins and ends in the kitchen, whipping up a magnificent apple pie.

Still think it’s a fluke? How about this Ghostbusters remake? Are there some sexist pricks out there hating on this movie simply because they cast all women? Absolutely. Are all people who disliked or were disgusted by the trailer also sexist pricks? Absolutely NOT. To say that the most disliked trailer ever to appear on YouTube was nothing more than a strike against women as a gender is almost as ignorant as a reality TV star running for President. The original is revered and beloved, so anything seeming to not approach that quality is upsetting to those die-hard fans, and many found the movie as a whole lacking. Do they get a bit whiny and bitchy about it? Oh yea, a whole bunch. Are they sometimes ridiculous and overblown? Definitely, sometimes even more so than that reality TV star-turned-President. But does that make it fair to just lump all of them into one unified pit as sexist jackasses? Hell to the no.

Let me hobble on top of my soapbox and offer my proclamation: Political Correctness is Godzilla rampaging through downtown Toyko, destroying everything in its wake. The concept itself is ruining entertainment. No longer do established filmmakers takes chances nor do major studios take daring stabs at a unique premise. Why would they? You guys bitch when they do ANYTHING – now they even get blasted for actually STICKING to the source material, what kind of bullshiggity is that?! – so it’s much smarter to retire in Franchise Island, where it’s relatively safe and profitable under their beach of money trees, and they don’t have to cope with millions of unqualified dopes sitting on their couches layered up in peanut butter, crushed oreos and Mountain Dew telling them how to make their movies better.

Yes, I absolutely blame Political Correctness for killing the edge in Hollywood, and it’s every one of our faults. Fighting for a cause or for equal rights or standing up for the oppressed is one of the greatest things a person can do. Somewhere along the way though, a gaggle of internet zealots stumbled upon the very real concept that you can wield the same power with movies, TV shows, even video games. Bitch often and loud enough and some half-ass news site will pick it up and take it viral. If anyone opposes your insane call for corrective action, humiliate and degrade them until they crawl back into their shell never to be heard from again.

If one group is advocating completely changing an established character – right down to the characters sexuality – and the fans shout against it based on the established history, only to then be showered with verbal assaults and humiliated into silence; how is this not considered bullying? When did it become acceptable to oppress some while railing online against oppression of others? Is it ok to believe strongly in something only if you follow popular Twitter trends? Is heightened hypocrisy becoming the norm? These are legitimate questions I desperately seek answers to, yet I seem to only be met with that same angry barrage of insults.

Not everything needs to be a damn movement, people. So when the concept of Captain America having a boyfriend comes up and you scream in fans faces ‘WHY NOT?’, the answer is simple, you’re just too lacquered in Pringles to hear it: Because he’s NOT gay. In 75 years, Cap has never dropkicked evil and then headed home for a Netflix & Chill with Bucky lying in his lap. Never. Not once. It isn’t the character. Does the gay community deserve a superhero equal to Cap’s standing? You’re damn right they do. Should it be Captain America? All the nopes.

And unlike so many people who feel they need to defend themselves because they have already been mauled over their opinion and now are terrified of being Internet Branded, I don’t have that fear. I really couldn’t care less what the guy on the couch screaming about gay rights thinks, because this ISN’T about those rights. You can preach all day from your almighty ivory tower that it is, but the plain and simple truth is no. No, it’s not.

It’s about a richly detailed history that has existed long before their personal crusade. It does not make a fan a bigot because they do not want a character they have a personal history with changed for no real reason at all. Much less given a complete overhaul negating decades of relationship development. If it were a clearly established gay character, would it be ok to change their sexuality years later and make him straight? Of course not.

There are roughly 39 books containing the exploits of James Bond, and in every one he has a penis. I’m not being immature here, Ian Fleming clearly wrote James Bond to be a man, THAT is who the character is. If the producers want to do a cinematic spin-off with a female lead, that would make complete and total sense because it would be a wholly original character. But to simply makes James Bond a woman? That would be, once again, changing a clearly defined character for no real reason other than Political Correctness. And saying that James Bond is a blue-eyed man with black hair does not make someone a racist or misogynist, it makes them a person who can accurately read the source material. Ian Fleming, on the other hand, TOTAL misogynist. I know that, because I read the source material.

On the flip side, Ghostbusters isn’t OK because of PC reasoning, it’s OK because it is a remake utilizing completely different characters. There is no Venkman or Egon attached to Melissa McCarthy here. The caricatures might be the same, but the filmmakers are clearly trying to say ‘These characters are totally different, we saw the original movie too’. You just can’t hear them because your ears are submerged in gallons of fanboy tears. So please hush up about it already until you have actually seen the film, on all fronts. I’ve never seen so many examples of why we deserve our own extinction as I have surrounding every angle of this god forsaken movie…that NO ONE has even watched yet.

So why did I write all of this? Because I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the guy or gal who jumps all over fans who give their opinion and I’m sick of the many guys and gals who give their opinions just to shit all over whatever it is they’re talking about. The incessantly vile word vomit I read on every social media site – as well as the near-constant demand for every prominent film character to change race, gender or sexuality – is giving my cranium a pounding.

Political Correctness used to be a term that had meaning. It meant you had a strong belief in fairness to all, and like Captain America you would not move until everything was put right.

Now, Political Correctness is nothing more than an excuse to justify being a bully, and often times escalating to an asshole. It means we must witness Han Solo using a gender-free restroom, or Spider-Man throwing Harry the Brokeback-eye, or even giving Jack Sparrow that sex change he’s spent 4 movies hopelessly pining for.

Isn’t it about time we kicked political correctness to the curb, let what exists in the past be what it is, and instead of modifying the old, bring back original and unique storytelling? More importantly, isn’t it time we collectively just stopped being assholes?