How Much Stupid In Movies Is Too Much Stupid?

Picture a deserted, gravel road in the backwoods of some nameless state. Miles and miles of dense forest on either side, the arm-like branches casting clawing shadows.  Nestled within the greenery, the only sign of habitation is a decades old gas station.  The paint has long since peeled away, a rusted, bullet-riddled Pennzoil sign dangles above the door, and the single gas pump looks like it was installed when Elvis was still playing barn dances and country fairs.

In the distance, a van appears, loud music blasting from its over-sized speakers. A scraggly looking old fart gets up from his rocking chair as the van pulls into his station and skids to a halt next to the old pump.  The doors pop open and seven late teen/early twenty something stereotypes – the jock, the beauty, the joker, the nerd, the bookworm, the rebel, and the goth – tumble out.  The old fella asks where are they all off to.  The jock grabs the beauty around the waist and pretty much proceeds to molest her as he tells pops that they are all heading up to the old Miller Campground.  They heard it’s haunted and they want to spook the ladies a bit, drink beers, and smoke a lot of weed.

The old man cackles and tells them that’s what the last group of kids said they were going to do, but they all ended up dead and dismembered. One kid’s head they found way atop a thirty-foot conifer, perched there like a Christmas angel. He hopes they at least got to enjoy some of their beer.  He’s not sure if the same thing happened to the other group before that one because they were just never seen again.

Less than a minute later, the van is hightailing it back the way it came; the jock suddenly remembering football practice, the beauty texting her friend about the restraining order she plans to get against her too-handsy now ex-boyfriend, the nerd and the bookworm promising to meet up at the library to get an early start on their term papers, the joker laughing about how silly they all are (though he is also secretly glad to be getting the hell out of there), the rebel saying he never wanted to go in the first place (that’s the rebel way), and the goth just repeating “whatever” over and over.

Roll end credits on the worst – and shortest – horror movie ever made.

Yep, I think we can all agree this would be a really dumb movie. But why?  I mean, those kids were being smart.  Smart, yes, but we really need a little something to make this a lot better (and a lot longer).  And that something would be a big dose of good, old-fashioned stupidity.

A while back I reviewed “Alien: Covenant” for The Hollywood Outsider. As an avid horror and sci-fi fan, this movie was right up my alley; both sci-fi and horror, latest chapter in a beloved franchise, Ridley Scott at the helm, solid cast, great visuals, Xenomorph loveliness.  I was pretty much convinced I was going to love it, and especially looked forward to getting some answers to plot threads left dangling at the end of “Prometheus”.  Overall, I must say I enjoyed it.  I gave it a seven out of ten.  Visually it was spectacular, the cast was talented, I got some of the answers I wanted (but I knew this series would be going on for a while, so I didn’t need all of them), there was some good horror, and some beautiful Xenomorph carnage.

However, there was one glaring issue, and the majority of the three points I deducted were a direct result of said issue. To quote myself, “Finally, I come to what irked me the most about this movie. Simply put, there are more stupid white people in this movie than the last three or four slasher films I saw combined.  I am not kidding…It was mind-boggling…My eyes weren’t just rolling at a lot of this, they were shooting out of their sockets and barreling up and down the aisles”.

Wow. That’s pretty harsh.  In hindsight, my high score of seven seems pretty generous.  I must say, I have at times wondered if I should have scored it lower, especially when a large number of people I knew started chiming in with criticism that is best described as vitriolic. They hated it.  And it wasn’t just them.  I noticed many people online saying the same.  I was really beginning to doubt myself.  Could I be that wrong?  Am I just stupid?

Then I noticed something. On everyone’s favourite review aggregator “Rotten Tomatoes” the movie actually had a fresh rating in the mid-70s (it currently stands at 68%, still fresh).  Sure, the audience score was around 60% (currently 56%), but that still placed it much higher than both “Alien 3” and “Alien Resurrection” (not to mention the two “AvP” movies), and about on par with “Prometheus”.  But poor old “Covenant” seemed to be getting battered more than it deserved.  What was going on?  In hindsight, maybe another point off is warranted, but that would still leave it as a positive rating.

Actually, strike that. I wouldn’t take another point off.  I’m going to let it stand at seven.

You see, as much as we’re ready to pull the trigger on something and slap it with a big, fat “STUPID”, we have to realize that for most movies, a certain degree of stupidity is required. I’m not joking.  If you think about it, you’ll see I’m right.  If movie stories followed real life to a tee, we’d have a bumper crop of really bad movies.  Stupidity is an essential component of horror, comedy, action, sci-fi, and practically every other genre.

Now, I’m not saying that all stupidity is good, but a lot of it really is. I think what actually has to be taken into consideration is not how stupid something is, but rather what is our own personal threshold for stupidity.  How much ineptitude can we, as individuals, take before we throw up our hands and scream, “Okay, I’ve had it! I can’t take this anymore.  This is just stupid”?  With horror, I’m very forgiving.  I can take a heaping dose.  I think that’s why I was much more forgiving of “Alien: Covenant” and its crew of stooges.  In a way (that not even I was fully aware of), I wanted them to chase John Denver across the galaxy, I needed Billy Crudup to stick his nose where he did, and I relished the realization that none of them had ever looked at a safety manual in their entire lives.  Sure, I wish they could have found a smarter way to do things, but that’s horror for ya.

Like the menu at your favourite all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurant, there is a veritable buffet of items to choose from when it comes to stupidity in film. As to which you find appetizing, mildly palatable, or stomach churningly disgusting; well, that’s up to each of us.  For now, let’s take a look at some of those choices.

Necessary Stupidity [Defining Genres: Horror/Slasher Movies/Thrillers]

This is the quintessential example of cinematic foolishness. Without it – as illustrated in the opening paragraph – a movie simply wouldn’t exist.  In any “Friday the 13^th” (or its ilk) we need those stupid kids to ignore the totally warranted warnings.  And once they do,  we really need them to continue being stupid, and stay put once the killings start and do what stupid people do best in these situations: have sex, take showers, wander off alone, investigate strange noises, follow blood trails (hmmmm, that’s strange), juggle their car keys, or – as some misguided idiot is always prone to do – face off against the pretty much invincible antagonist in the head-scratching belief he or she might actually have a shot at taking them down in one-on-one combat.  Unless you’re the last (least) stupid person standing, you’ve just signed your own death warrant.  And the more gruesome and imaginative the kills, the more we’ll cheer and root for the bad guy.  Necessary stupidity deserves no less.

Big Scale Stupidity [Defining Genres: Action/Sci-Fi/Disaster]

Ah, are there any genres other than these that generate more cries of, “That’s just stupid!”? Maybe the slasher, but as discussed above, the stupidity there is most often a necessity.  Now, we’re getting into a murkier area; territory where the daftness can easily become unforgivable.  Because these films so often blatantly defy the laws of physics, human ability, and common sense, a very deft touch is required to not topple the whole proceedings over into a pit of doltishness from which there is no climbing out.

To avoid these pits of viewer despair, Big Scale Stupidity requires two very important things to be a success and avoid the raising of pitchforks and torches in cinemas around the world: characters we care about, and big, beautiful carnage (BBC). It is possible to cling to viewer adoration if one or the other is weak, but for both to be absent or woefully cliched is the kiss of death.  “Armageddon” remains a largely beloved sci-fi/action/disaster (yep, all three genres in one) classic because in spite of the absolute stupidity of everything that transpires, director Michael Bay gave us oodles of glorious eye candy, and a band of lovable, huggable misfits who deliver plenty of laughs and tears.  Who cares that we are forced to swallow the idea of “oil rig roughnecks in space”.  We’ve got flaming meteors peppering the globe (now a cliché, but back then still pretty awe-inspiring) and Bruce Willis making us cry.  That’s all we need.  Compare that to the abysmal “The Core” where the characters and story – at first glance – are easier to swallow (scientists drill to the Earth’s core), but forgettable performances and mediocre action just resulted in a lot of head-shaking and headaches.

Self Aware Stupidity [Defining Genre: Comedy]

Some movies are just meant to be stupid right from the start. And when I say from the start, I mean going right back to conception.  At some point in the past, the creator of the resultant absurdity had the bright idea that their goofy idea might just make audiences smile in the same way they smiled when the thought first struck them.  Prime instances of this are any of the works of Jim Abrahams and the Zucker brothers (Airplane, The Naked Gun), Monty Python (The Holy Grail, The Meaning of Life), or the Farrelly brothers (Dumb and Dumber, The Truth About Mary).  Some might call it Necessary Stupidity, but it’s not really that.  Necessary Stupidity just requires the inclusion of stupid characters in an otherwise non-stupid situation.

With Self Aware Stupidity, everything is just…. stupid: the characters, the situations, the gags, the drama, the sets. Everywhere you look, stupidity is just jumping right out at you.  Much like Big Scale Stupidity, a very deft touch is required.  To pull off successful Self Aware Stupidity you need a superior wit, great comic timing, and a steady finger on the pulse of current affairs and pop culture.  Just making lazy references to these will result in the worst kind of stupidity; the unfunny kind.  If you want to know what that looks like, just watch any of the supposed “spoof” movies pooped out by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans).  The pop culture references are there, but the execution is woefully inadequate and unfunny.  I wouldn’t be surprised in the least to learn that the Britney Spears head-shaving/breast feeding scene in “Meet the Spartans” is a popular form of torture used by shady government agencies worldwide.  And I’d bet repeated viewings are probably much more effective than waterboarding.

Near-Sighted Stupidity [Defining Genres: Action, Science Fiction]

Oh my. This is a personal favourite of mine.  I think it’s right to say that almost all of us have joked at some time about how the stormtroopers in “Star Wars” are the worst shots in the galaxy.  I mean, they are clones (at least in the beginning) specifically created to wage war.  They must have had extensive training, right?  So why is it they can’t seem to be able to hit the broadside of a space cruiser, let alone our valiant heroes?  The reason is, quite simply, if they were as good as they were supposed to be, we’d be in the same, sinking boat as horror movies without their Necessary Stupidity; short and definitely not sweet.

Take any action movie from the 80s (especially) and onward and you have pretty much the same thing; villains who seem to not only be shooting guns for the very first time, but jumping out from behind safe cover to do so. The problem with the latter is the good guy is always as exceptional a shot as the bad guys are atrocious.  Stupidity on top of stupidity.  That said, the movies we love here we love dearly.  Why?  Because as long as we have heroes we love, villains we love to hate, some good laughs, and things that go boom real good, we are entertained.  Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “Commando” is one of my favourite examples of Near-Sighted Stupidity.  We’ve got huggable Arnold in the lead, uber-villain Vernon Wells chewing on the scenery like he mistakenly mixed up his dentures with his kid’s chattery teeth, oodles of classic Arnie one-liners, and fantastic 3B (Blood, Bullets, & Bombs).  I still giggle uncontrollably like a pre-teen whenever I hear “Let off some steam, Bennet”.  Classic.  And to finish, I’d like to give a special shout out to Cannon Studios of the 1980s.  Thanks for the stupidity.  It was much appreciated, and adored.

Momentary Stupidity [Defining Genres: Romance/Romantic Comedy]

Momentary stupidity is one of the most forgivable forms of stupidity in film. In its own way, it is a kind of Necessary Stupidity because we can’t have everything going off without a hitch for our beloved couple.  We need just a dash of brainlessness – usually close to the end – to ratchet up the drama and give extra punch to the inevitable happy ending.

A prime example of this can be found in “Notting Hill”, a romantic comedy featuring Hugh Grant as a broke bookstore owner who falls in love with Julia Roberts, the most beautiful and famous movie star in the world. And – as luck would have it – she with him.  After a series of misunderstandings in which Hugh mistakenly (stupidly) comes to believe Julia doesn’t care about him, the dumbass shows her the door after one of the cutest and most romantic professions of love ever.  Why is this dumb?  I mean, some would say it shows a gentleman of solid character who is not willing to put up with any shenanigans of the heart.  Wrong!  It is absolute stupidity because he’s a broke bookstore owner who was just told that the most beautiful and famous (and rich) movie star in the world is in love with him.  Come on!  What bloke in his right mind would turn his back on that.  But, not to worry, it doesn’t take long for our hero to come to his senses (as they always do), admit his profound lapse in judgement, and right his forehead-slapping wrong just in time for the credit roll.  Imagine if they had just left it at him showing her the door.  That would have been just stupid.

I think I’ve pretty much hit on the biggies here, but there are a couple more I’d like to touch on quickly. They may or may not be as prevalent as those above, but do warrant a brief mention.  And I’d like to keep this article as short as possible.  It would be very easy to write an entire book on stupidity in Hollywood.

Stupidity is as Stupidity Does [Defining Genre: Drama]: This is an easy one. Obviously taking its title from its inspiration – “Forrest Gump” – this type of stupidity is by no means a negative nor unintentional. It is simply a defining characteristic of the protagonist, and any foolishness that transpires is a result of his or her actions and is not meant to colour the entirety of the motion picture as such.  To label their actions as stupid is obvious and should not be a source for consternation.

Procedural Stupidity [Defining Genre: The Cop Movie]: Cop 1: “The big baddie and his 400 henchmen are at the isolated compound armed to the teeth. We’d better call for backup.”  Cop 2: “We don’t have time for backup.”  The lesson here?  There’s always time for backup, stupid!  Alas, they don’t usually need it (see: Near-Sighted Stupidity), though the backup will often show up at the very end to provide a cool backdrop for the closing credits.

Scientific Stupidity [Defining Genre: Any movie using science]: “To achieve elemental stability we need to infuse the flux initiator with zion particles and increase flemion particle distribution to alleviate stress on the omega hedron collider.” As an Arts major, this sounds solid to me.  Astrophysicists of the world may think otherwise.

Sky High Stupidity [Defining Genre: The Superhero Movie]: Most people love them, but there’s always that subsection of society that thinks the idea of men and women in form fitting costumes, flying around, shooting lasers out of body parts, is the height of utter stupidity. I pity them, I really do.  Why are they so sad?

Historical Stupidity [Defining Genre: Historical Drama]: When you watch that rousing, emotional, historical epic, do you believe the little blurb at the beginning that tells you that what follows is a true story? I tell you what, go over to England and tell them why “Braveheart” is the greatest movie ever.  And if you survive that, follow it up with a proclamation of how much you love “The Patriot”.  Those two simple actions will give you a crash course in Historical Stupidity 101.  And what the hell does Mel Gibson have against England anyways? And as a Canadian, don’t get me started on “Argo”.

And finally, I’d like to give special mention to that most heinous of celluloid stupidity. I’m talking about the unforgivable stupidity, the stupidity that must be named, the stupidity to end all stupidity, the stupidity that God brought down upon the masses from the heavens and trumpeted, “Look upon this stupidity, my people, and weep”.  And that would be, of course….

Creative Stupidity [Defining Genre: All of them]

There is nothing as disheartening, disappointing, dismaying, disturbing or disdainful as that which should be so, so good but ultimately ends up being so, so bad. Hmmm, I think I might have just discovered the origin of to “diss” something, because that’s what I’m about to do.  I’m talking here about those movies that had everything going for them, but because of dumb decisions behind the scenes, we ended up with a big pile of steaming poo.  A real stinker.

The best and most recent example of this is last years (ahem) thriller “The Snowman”. Boy, I was really looking forward to this one.  I mean, just look at that pedigree: directed by Tomas Alfredson (“Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”, “Let the Right One In”), written by three writers (actually, this should have been a red flag) who – on their own – gave us the likes of “Drive”, “The Killing”, “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”, and “Snow White and the Huntsman” amongst many others, executive produced by Martin Scorsese (who was originally slated to direct), starring audience favourites Michael Fassbender, JK Simmons, and Rebecca Ferguson (swoon), and based on one of a series of bestselling and critically acclaimed crime novels by Jo Nesbo.  Damn, just take my money and leave me to lay eyes upon the wonderment.  I thought there was no way this could go wrong.

Boy, was I mistaken.

That film should have been retitled “The Abominable Snowman” because that’s what it was; abominable. What the hell went wrong?  Well, as the director himself revealed in interviews, the entire production was rushed and about 15 percent of the screenplay ended up not being filmed. That subsequently led to chaos in the editing room and an irreparably damaged product.  Well, I’m sorry guys, but that’s on you.  If you realized there was a problem, it should have been dealt with.  To not deal with it is just – wait for it – stupid. Now, as a result, we have a failed movie, damaged reputations, disgruntled viewers, and a failed franchise that had tons of potential.  Oh well, maybe they’ll do better with the inevitable reboot two or three years down the road.  I think that’s the going time-frame right now.

Actually, come to think of it, even Creative Stupidity has its place sometimes. Just watch Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room”, if you can.  That’s one of the rare instances where stupidity actually saved a movie, and it probably deserves its own title.  How about Redemptive Stupidity?  Sounds fitting.

Whew, that’s a lot of stupidity, and I’m sure I’ve left a lot out. So, what kind of stupid – and how much of it – does it take to make you go, “That’s it.  I’m full.  I’m out”?  Are you able to gorge yourself and still stagger away with a silly grin on your face, or are you a picky eater who can’t handle too much at a single sitting?

In the end, stupidity will always have a place at theatres and home cinemas everywhere. The most important thing to remember is that everyone is different.  Just because you think it’s stupid, doesn’t mean the next person in line does.  And nobody deserves to be dumped on just because they like something that drove you up the wall and out the ceiling vent.  If you rail against someone and belittle them just because you disagree with them that’s…

Well, that’s just stupid.