The Hollywood Outsider – Film and Television Podcast | Reviews An award-winning film and television podcast for the fan in all of us
Another summer is officially over and that means school is back in session. So, now it’s time to find out what we learned from this year’s crop of summer movies. Remember, there could be spoilers here. Then again, there could not. Nobody really knows until they read it, do they?
Here we go…
11. Abs Are the Key
Hollywood has been trying to pinpoint the key to box office success for decades and finally we understand – Abs. From Henry Cavill to Vin Diesel to Hugh Jackman, the biggest flicks of the summer had washboards that would make Laura Ingle weep herself into a coma. Fanboys can pat themselves on the backs all they want, telling themselves how cool they are for getting their ladies to the latest geek fest. They didn’t go for you, Heisenberg, they went for those abs. Spend as much time at the gym as you do on Call of Duty and she’ll be just as excited to see you.
10. Poor Friends Suck
People say money can’t buy you happiness…you know who says that? Poor people. If ‘This is the End’ and ‘Grown Ups 2’ taught us anything, it’s that the only way to really enjoy life is to be stuck with a group of people who have nothing but disposable income at their fingertips. Danny McBride as a machinist making $40k a year just ends up being that dick you got drunk with after the Steelers cost you the Fantasy Football pool. But give Danny McBride $10 million? Now he’s a fun, go-to guy! He’s the life of the party! If you want to have fun and enjoy life, work a little harder and in 30-40 years, you might get invited to that party.
9. Scarlett Johansson Knows A Shooting Star When She Sees One
When Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson split up, the world cried noooooooooooooo! How could these two absolutely perfect creations split up and upset the cosmos in such a way?! It’s such a perfect mix of genetics and awesomeness! Well, if you saw R.I.P.D. and Turbo (which based on the Box Office, you probably didn’t), then you understand that Scarlett doesn’t mess around with dropping stones. This goddess gave Hal Jordan a chance, and he obviously wasn’t worth the ring. Have you seen her pics on Twitter? She deserves a winner and Van Wilder is riding the pole car back to TV. Maybe his old co-star can get him a spot on Castle.
8. Jaden Smith Is Adopted
Look, we reviewed After Earth and we didn’t hate it nearly as much as the rest of the world, but we weren’t blind either. If you could harness Will Smith’s charisma into energy, you could power the Earth, the Death Star, whatever that thing is hovering in Under the Dome AND at least 4 iPads. The man could change his name to Charisma. Jaden? He couldn’t muster up enough energy to power a game of Pong. We get it, Will. He’s your son. You want him to succeed. We all admire what a fantastic dad you are. But stop trying to fool us, the kid is adopted. He should have accidentally found some of your charisma in the shower drain by now. He hasn’t. Jaden is one movie away from me demanding a DNA trip to the Maury show.
7. Hollywood Needs A Calendar
That’s really the only way to explain some of the blunders this summer. Seriously? The Internship? You KNOW that flick was made in 2005 when Owen & Vince were relevant and they just FORGOT to release it. It’s 2013, People! Make movies that reflect, you know, 2013. White House Down? Emmerich, The Last Boy Scout came out 2 decades ago, you didn’t need to make a Gus Van Sant style remake of it. Jobs, starring Ashton Kutcher? Has he been relevant since Dude, Where’s My Car? When did I miss the ‘Ashton is an Oscar Caliber Actor boat? Isn’t he the guy slumming on TV with Ducky? Oh, and The Butler? Yea, Driving Miss Daisy was better with Morgan Freeman. Well, everything is better with Morgan Freeman. The Internship should have hired him.
6. Some People Hate Their Children
Yea, I said it. Sure, you take them now and again to cinematic delights like Monsters University and Despicable Me, but then some of you…the worst of you…take them to dreck like the aforementioned Turbo, Epic, Planes and f’in Smurfs 2. Seriously? You have a kid’s wet dream in the form of Pacific Rim up there on the screen, just BEGGING to be seen and appreciated by millions of kids…and you pick Planes? Really? This is one step below child endangerment and one more reason why China is winning. Don’t complain when they dump you in that sweat box nursing home.
5. Brad Pitt Is Our Savior
If you saw World War Z, you understand. No one is better equipped to save us from the Zombiepocalypse than Mr. Smith, and he doesn’t need a frickin cape. Did you see this guy? He leaps into places overrun by zombies; mad, Olympic-speed zombies…and runs out with nary a hair out of place. His plane gets ripped in half IN MID AIR killing almost everyone on board…and our Brad gets only a manly scrape. He’s not even a scientist and he solves the biggest mystery in the WORLD, just by being Brad Pitt. Look at the guy, he’s even starting to LOOK like Jesus. The man is amazing and we should all throw away our false idols now. Bow to the Pitt.
4. Johnny Depp Is In WITSEC
Yes, the Depp is in Witness Protection, I’m sure of it. Look, I liked Lone Ranger, screw the haters (of which there are many). Still, I will be the first to admit, I am convinced the great Johnny Depp has pulled a Donnie Brasco. Not sure if he caught Bruckheimer putting the hit out on Michael Bay or he finally got a glimpse of Burton and Bonham Carter doing freaky stuff with cadavers and peanut butter, but Depp is in hiding. How else do you explain this guy’s choices as of late? Remember when he used to take roles that challenged himself, that took him out of his element and pushed the boundaries of what an actor could do? Now he sits around talking to himself and feeding dead birds. Johnny, stop being Nic Cage. You’re better than that. You’re also the best looking 50 year-old on the planet, stop wearing all of that crap left over from Alice Cooper’s World Tour. I’m taking a collection, let’s hire Veronica Mars (since she’s back in business) and find out where the fuzz has Johnny stocked away. Oh well, if we can’t find him, at least we’ll always have The Pitt.
3. Everything, and I Mean Everything, Is Better With Robots
You know what saved Robert Downey Jr.’s career from another decade of snorting blow off a meth’d out hooker? No, not sage career advice. Not him cleaning up his act and making a serious go of it. That’s right, it was robots. Because the world is always better when you throw in a robot (Shut it, Wolverine haters). The bigger, the better. Think about it – The world goes to shit and they already know there’s a God of Thunder available, a giant green rage monster and even Captain Do-Gooder…and they call Tony Stark. Why? Because of his impressively carved goatee? No. Because he owns a frickin’ robot and robots are infinitely cooler than some dumbass with an oval reflector dancing around in a blue leotard. Want more proof? In Pacific Rim, China is under siege by giant monsters which threaten to destroy our very existence, and what do we do? BUILD MORE ROBOTS! This is as close as I can offer to scientific evidence, but I am pretty sure it will suffice.
2. JJ Abrams Wants A Geek Genocide
JJ Abrams, the master of the lens flare, has long been an established filmmaker and creator. When the sequel to his reboot, Star Trek Into Darkness, hit theaters, geeks cried tears of joy around the world. Then some of that joy descended, ahem, into darkness. Apparently, to some, his half-remake of a sequel to his reboot caused some of those long-time Trekkers to lose their frakkin minds! They could not believe the audacity of a man trying to make everybody happy…I mean playing with their beloved series’ history. Ripoff. Hack. Die from that Vulcan death-grip thingy…these were the taunts slung at our beloved leader. And if THAT weren’t enough…that son of a Spielberg took the job directing that OTHER giant Sci-Fi master-series!!! What the Affleck?! In one summer, Abrams managed to turn Trekkers on each other, and when that dust settled…he turned what was left of them on the Star Wars fans. This guy is a mad frickin’ genius. And he wants us all obliterated.
1. Superman Ain’t Your Bitch
Oh, YOUR Superman would never do THAT, would he? He’d never destroy a city, leaving thousands homeless, would he? He’d never kill a man, even one that would cause wanton destruction upon the Earth, would he? This just in from Kal-El: ‘I ain’t your bitch’. Superman is done playing games. You whiners cried and cried, saying ‘Superman isn’t cool anymore’, ‘Superman is lame’, ‘Batman and his homoerotic leather bustier are where it’s really at’. Well you wanted it, you got it, because apparently DC heard you. Guess what happens when you want Superman, a GOD, to be realistic? Shit blows up. People’s necks get snapped. He’s not in the mood for your whining or second guessing his decisions anymore. Don’t like it? Then I hope you don’t mind losing your neck, cuz this shylock is done screwing around.
It’s how business is done now, and this Kent just opened the store.
What did YOU learn this summer?
Aaron Peterson
www.TheHollywoodOutsider.com