The Hollywood Outsider – Film and Television Podcast | Reviews An award-winning film and television podcast for the fan in all of us
Every summer, millions of us pour our hearts and wallets into all of that magic hitting our local Cineplex. Sometimes, we walk out with smiles and good tidings. Sometimes, we walk out and punch that Miles Teller cardboard standee right in his smugness. For better or worse, every summer teaches us a little bit about the state of the world, about humanity…and especially Hollywood.
This article, this listicle if you will, is going to take a look at what I learned from 2015’s offering of summer movies. The good, the bad, the funny, the sad – Everything is fair game.
You’ve been warned.
7. Corporations Are The New Movie Stars
Disney and Universal accounted for 6 of the Top 10 movies of the summer. Can you believe that? I mean, Disney sure, but UNIVERSAL? Weren’t they knee deep in Eddie Murphy family comedies like three years ago? Now they’re the biggest star of the year? Amazing stuff.
Marvel’s name alone sold millions of tickets to a movie about a guy who runs around riding an ant like it was Pegasus. Pixar got butts in seats for a cartoon about feelings – yes, FEELINGS! – and no one batted an eye. Universal found a way to make a $100+ million gangsta rap movie and run away with $300 million for a bunch of mumbling supporting characters that look like little yellow fire hydrants. Not to mention the big guns like Jurassic World and Avengers: Age of Ultron. The days of actors opening a movie might finally be in the past, it’s all about the brand name these days.
Like America as a whole, our loyalty is for sale to the biggest brand.
6. Women Go To Movies Too, Who Knew?
Sometimes I wonder if Hollywood is run by the guys from Mad Men. Just a bunch of tools in suits, sitting around smoking copious amounts of Red Apple cigarettes while throwing around terms like ‘Dame’ or ‘Broad’. Why do I think this? Because very few women have led the blockbusters of summers past, and the ones that do have a female lead, generally manage to allow them to run away from a T-Rex in high heels. Apparently, that seems rational to a Hollywood Exec.
Not this year though, oh no (well, except for that previous mention). This summer women were kicking our manly asses everywhere. Even Melissa McCarthy got in on that ass-kicking action. Ponder it for a second – Rebecca Ferguson, Charlize Theron, Evangeline Lily, Carla Gugino, Alexandra Daddario, Emilia Clarke, the list goes on. The ladies are no longer standing for ‘His Girl Friday’ roles. They have come to make Friday their bitch.
They are also hitting the theaters in droves. That’s right, guys, our time is up. We know Hollywood has done all it could think of to suppress women at the multiplex, but numbers don’t lie. Pitch Perfect 2, Spy, Trainwreck, Magic Mike XXL, Mad Max: Fury Road – Women will come to your films when you actually take the time to give them what they actually want to see. You have an audience desperate to be served, maybe do more to acknowledge them than slapping in just another hot chick who gets herself snatched before spending 2 hours pining for the hero to save her. Those are the characters of the past, and these women are the now. They ARE the hero, the foul-mouth, the comedian, and they also deserved their own version of Showgirls (women love baby oil just as much as guys do). There were so many dollars counted these last few months from females, that you can finally count on Hollywood to make this the new norm.
Summer is not strictly for the boys anymore. The ladies are here to stay.
5. Not Everything Is A Franchise
I like The Terminator as much as the next guy and I also love me some Austrian action flicks. But some things just shouldn’t be a franchise. How many shots does Terminator get to prove that? Calm down, uber fans, there’s no reason to lynch me – there is science behind my statement! You know the last Terminator film to even MEET expectations, let alone exceed them? Terminator 2. The one that had Robert Patrick before his face melted. The one that probably came out before some of you were born. Terminator 2 was as much story as this series seems able to bear fruit, so why the hell are we still cranking these things out outside of appeasing the Chinese? I think it’s time to ‘Frozen’ this franchise.
You know what else isn’t a franchise? Ted. Sometimes, a film catches the zeitgeist – who hasn’t wanted to see a foul-mouthed teddy bear, let alone own one? – and that is all it ever caught. Ted is simply a one-and-done film. A part 2 was never necessary, nor were audiences clamoring for it. Outside of Seth MacFarlane, we’re not even sure who asked for it. You? If so, you should be ashamed of yourself. Stop making those kinds of wishes.
I realize Hollywood wants everything to be a series of films, but not everything deserves to be. Vacation was a product of its time, it was never something that we needed to see reinvented every decade, especially not with the Stay-Puft version of Chevy Chase onboard. Entourage was barely worth watching when it was on 60 inches and only 30 minutes long, who the hell thought putting it on a 60 foot screen for 2 hours was a great idea? And to think MILLIONS of pesos were spent on these films no one wanted to see in the first place.
When you find great little films like Slow West, Z For Zachariah, or The Boy left for dead on the VOD market, but you see Hollywood dropping bombs like this into the marketplace every single week, it makes you wonder how close we truly are to that ape planet James Franco is so worried about.
4. The Taylor Kitsch Awards Are Still Being Handed Out
Armie Hammer, your award is ready-and-waiting. Just when you thought no one could take Kitsch’s spot as ‘That Actor Who Will Never Happen And Costs Every Studio a Small Island’…along comes The Hammer. Remember a few years back when poor Taylor was given the starring roles in John Carter and Battleship, and then they both flopped? Armie feels his pain. After The Lone Ranger made critics cry, Armie was given a second chance to show-off why he deserves to be a star. The Man From U.N.C.L.E. – while not a bad film – fizzled out before it began and Armie will be begging for a bit role on True Detective Season 3 before you finish reading this. Ok, maybe it’s not that dire yet, but it’s close.
Runner-up this year for The Kitsch Award is Jai Courtney. Mr. Courtney, you were a solid douche nozzle in Jack Reacher, but since then, you have turned in some of the most mind-numbingly bland performances I’ve seen from any actor over these last few years. If bland were a soda, you’d be New Coke. It’s like you bartered for your charisma at a garage sale. Arnold saved your sorry ass and piggy-backed your mediocrity across the finish line in Terminator Genisys, but if you don’t start showing this talent all of the Spartacus apologists keeps screaming you have, we’re going to have to find you a job doing what you seem more suited for: Parking cars or maybe a gym teacher. Something like that.
Those in danger of Kitschitis: Ryan Reynolds, Adam Sandler and Jake Gyllenhaal. Why? Let’s discuss.
Reynolds – We love you, but Self/Less flopped. This is something like your 38th box office disappointment in a row. Remember R.I.P.D.? We sure do. You’ve got one more shot for a hit with Deadpool. If you can’t pull that off? Enjoy your run on Dancing with the Stars next season.
Sandler – If you’re going to phone in your performances, the least you could do is put the receiver to your ear. No need to just leave it on the counter every summer. C’mon man! You used to make us all laugh in that little ‘Oh no he DIDN’T!’ kind of way…now it’s in that ‘Oh NO, he didn’t, did he?’ kind of way. Time to stop using filmmaking as your personal Expedia for washed-up friends and craft a solid comedy again. You CAN DO IT!
Gyllenhaal – You’re a phenomenal actor who makes everything you touch just a little bit better, Southpaw being a prime example. So let’s find you some material that will make a few bucks so you can keep knocking us out for years to come. You’re the only actor on this list who doesn’t deserve to be here, unfortunately Hollywood is all about those Benjamins, and that means you need to be in a movie that makes a few. Sandler should be carrying your water at this point.
3. People Love To Watch Movies In The Rearview Mirror
Nostalgia hit the apex this year. Jurassic World, Mad Max, Straight Outta Compton, Terminator 12, Pixels, Vacation, Poltergeist…the list keeps going. I was half expecting to see kids eating Pop Rocks and DeLoreans driving around this summer. For a society that does nothing but tout how futuristic everything is, we sure do like to keep one foot firmly in the past.
Why are we so stuck in this perpetual time-capsule? Sure, some of it is because Hollywood realizes nostalgia sells when they do it right. But this summer the billboard outside your local theater almost reads the same as one from 20 or 30 years ago. That’s not nostalgia, that’s Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction refusing to be ignored.
We can’t even decide which part of nostalgia we want to commit to. Do we want a bunch of uninspired, paint-by-numbers remakes (Vacation, Poltergeist), or do we want the same actors doing basically the same things but with a different title (Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, Terminator Genisys) ala Deja vu – The Movie? We’ve become so obsessed with the past (there are even TV continuations of Full House and Coach in the works…COACH!), we have forgotten that we are supposed to be looking to the future.
Take a movie like Tomorrowland. Well, I’ll take it while you sit there and imagine it, because none of you went to see it. Tomorrowland tried to offer a brave new world and create some new memories for you and your families. Did you bother to see it for yourself? Nope. You were too busy following those velociraptors around for the third or fourth time or attempting to ascertain if that is Tom Cruise’s real hair color. (Hint: It’s not)
Every year, film buffs clamor for new and original material. The internet is stock-full of these complaints. Well, guess what – You’re not going to get it. At least in your typical summer blockbusters you won’t. Not as long as the masses continuously head out to the theater to watch what they’ve already seen decades prior. If you want originality, Video On Demand is where you need to start searching because we can’t get the breeders to stop forcing their kids to relive their childhoods.
Something we’ll all be guilty of yet again come December.
2. Dinosaurs Are Never Extinct
I know what you’re thinking, ‘What a clever little allusion to Jurassic World’. No, silly. While that is completely accurate, who really thought Jurassic World would flop this summer? No one, that’s who. The title instead refers to the other dinosaur that made a resounding comeback this summer: George Miller. He’s back! The auteur from Happy Feet hath returned to that Mad world he created decades ago, that universe of visceral, gleeful, lovely R-rated action spectacle known as Mad Max: Fury Road.
Do you know what Fury Road is about? Nothing, that’s what. Sure, there is a little bit of yammering-on about how much it sucks to be in a concubine, a ton of wasted water, chrome sniffing, and a lot of makeup attempting to hide Charlize Theron’s gorgeousness – but otherwise this is the post-apocalyptic version of a Seinfeld episode. George Miller had the most successful live-action film in his entire career this summer, both critically and commercially…and it was absolutely pointless.
Not only was Fury Road devoid of plot, it cemented the title of ‘Weirdest Blockbuster of the Year’. I mean, who green-lit $150 million for George to make a rebootquel (we still aren’t sure where Max ends up in the lexicon, so we’ll just make up a word for it) to a series that was never a mega-hit? Miller not only somehow got the ok to make it, but also to crank out a hard-driving, fist-pumping, R-rated love-letter to carnage and bloodshed. Did you know that Fury Road’s budget, just the reported cost to film – even though some reports differ and say it’s closer to $200 million – exceeded the TOTAL gross of the other Mad Max films combined? COMBINED?! Wherever the executive is that said ‘Absolutely, George! This makes total sense’, if he’s still on the payroll, I want to shake his hand and slap his ass. That guy is a chance-taker and an angel in a business suit.
George Miller took that money, and then he took his 70 year-old carcass to the desert and crafted set-piece after set-piece of some of the finest practical effect action scenes we have seen in years. This is a beautifully shot film – even the seemingly endless zoom-in shots were strikingly rendered.
This summer, we learned to never count a velociraptor nor a Miller out.
1. Josh Trank Let The Internet Win
I pride myself on never jumping on bandwagons. It’s a personal peeve of mine. Whenever a gaggle of people shoot their negative opinions around like Hawkeye and Katniss at an Arch-Off, I try to always stay in the camp of ‘Wait…just wait…and see for yourself’. So for months, MONTHS, I defended director Josh Trank and his Fantastic Four to the overwhelming internet hate I encountered on a seemingly daily basis. ‘You haven’t watched the film’, I said. ‘Who cares if a white girl and a black guy are brother and sister, it happens’, I lamented. ‘This thing could be fun!’
Then Trank let the internet win.
The minute I walked out of Fantastic Four, I wanted to smack Josh Trank like Weezy back-hands George Jefferson. After alllllllllll of that vitriol. After allllll of those rage posts I read day, after day, after day. After all of the promises and assurances from everyone that worked on the film all the way up to the caterer that this movie was something special. After all of that…you gave us THIS?!
Fantastic Four isn’t even a movie. This is a 100-minute commercial FOR the movie. By the time we give a damn again, this movie is over and we’re stuck waiting for the real one to start. The story was putrid and monotonous. The characters were erroneously miscast. The pacing was about as engaging as that blank expression on Kate Mara’s face. You want a mixed family to illustrate diversity, yet you allow sexist stereotypes whenever you can. THIS was what I spent my summer defending?
Oh sure, some of you are still on the ‘It’s FOX’s fault’ train. Well, count me out of that one. They’ve done just fine with the X-Men series and Deadpool is looking great. The problem here is they were trying too hard to make the fanboys happy. ‘ARE YOU INSANE, AARON?!’ is what those same fanboys are screaming right now, citing all of the bat-shit twists and curveballs Trank and friends threw regarding these beloved characters – but have you ever stopped to think about WHY they did that? They have heard over and over from these same fanboys to hire directors with a vision ‘LIKE MARVEL DOES’, and then leave them alone to showcase that vision ‘LIKE MARVEL DOES’. Feeling responsible yet? Well, don’t beat yourself up too much. It’s still ultimately Trank’s shitty vision that landed us here.
Not only did Trank let movie fans like you and I down, he cost us the big case. Think of the internet’s wrongness this summer: ‘Jurassic World SUCKS!’ – Wrong. Jurassic World garnered a 71% positive score from Rotten Tomatoes, and an 81% score from moviegoers. ‘Spy is garbage! Melissa McCarthy isn’t funny!’ Wrong. 94% positive from critics, 82% from moviegoers. ‘Tom Cruise is FINISHED!’ Wrong. Rogue Nation snagged 93% from critics, 91% from filmgoers, and an eventual $500+ million worldwide. All of that wrongness, all of those haters getting repeatedly bitch-slapped by the facts, and Trank wiped our entire case out with one film.
How is that possible? Because this was the big one. The top dog. Roe vs. Wade at the multiplex. Fantastic Four was the movie the internet hedged all its bets on, and the house lost. Thanks to this cinematic landfill, every time we try to silence some anonymous internet troll from his repeated attempts to ruin our excitement with his vile contempt for fun – all he has to say is ‘Remember Fantastic Four’.
And they’ll be right. Josh Trank was the defense for the People vs. Fantastic Four, and he lost big. We just can’t handle the truth.
There you have it! The 7 things I learned at the movies this summer. Agree? Disagree? Or do you have something more to offer me here?
Let’s hear it in the comments – What did YOU learn at the movies this summer?